The Madness of Love // La Locura del Amor

"Your life is not a side quest to someone else's love story"
- ChatGPT to me, about 4 hours ago

He said he loved storms, excitedly sharing that the wind had broken his cabin's window and then asking how I felt about them myself. Something about that question in particular made me certain this was someone very special.

I love storms,  I replied. There is something exhilarating yet comforting about them. Rainstorms with thunder and lightning are my favorite. What about you?

Exhilarating and comforting. That's exactly how our connection felt. Like snuggles under thin blankets during a big summer storm. Skin sticky from the outside heat yet covered in goosebumps from the AC blasting indoors.

Exhilarating and comforting.

Now, as the thunder breaks overhead and the rain violently raps on my windows, I cannot help but think of him.

Last week, I turned 30, beginning my 7th house profection year and setting off a new solar return chart. In my solar return chart, Venus is my chart ruler and she's exactly conjunct the chart descendant. This means that themes of relationships and partnerships of all kind will be heavily featured in my 30th year of life. Coincidentally, my next Venus return is also in the coming weeks, along with my Mars and Mercury. So, in layman's terms, some big shit is about to go down.

Maybe.

If you're anything like me, you may from time to time, focus a little too much on the stars and less in the world in front of you. Lately, I've been staring at my return charts, analyzing the aspects, and configuring how these energies could apply to me and my love life. I may have even woken up a few times wondering, is today the day that love comes knocking at my door?

Here's the thing: astrology doesn't happen to you, and neither does life - but it can be easy to slip into the habit of allowing our existence to pass us by and calling it life happening to us.

The second Hermetic Principal states, "As above, so below." In astrology, this means that the stars do not write our fates - they merely reflect it.

Lately, I've also been over sleeping, over eating, under exercising, and overextending my social battery. I'm not going to lie, most of that was fun, but eventually I woke up to an apartment that looked like a depression cave. Depression caves are born out of self-neglect and not exactly out of social isolation.

Today, I hit my breaking point, overstimulated by everything around me yet paralyzed by the limitations of a 24-hour day. In a fit of emotional exhaustion, I spit out the randomness of my mental load onto ChatGPT and while their response was helpful, one part in particular, hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Your life is not a side quest to someone else's love story."

I remember when I began my first long-term relationship five years ago, there came a dark period of reckoning within my soul. I realized, I love someone who loves me back, he might even love me more, and yet… my life is not perfect. I am not always happy. Sadness, heartache, disappointment, and regret were all well and alive within my human experience. I still felt the emptiness within that I had struggled with for most of my life. As a kid, I thought the emptiness would end once someone finally loved me as much as I loved them. Painfully and eventually, I learned that wholeness lied solely within myself.

My former partner was a true romantic (Leo Sun, Cancer Venus) and would often say things like, "You complete me." I remember the first time I told him - in our first year together - that he does not complete me. He was taken aback, clearly wounded. I quickly continued, "You do not complete me, because I am already whole. And I do not complete you, because you are already whole. We are a team and together, we strengthen one another. We choose to be together not because of our lack but because of our love. And that, to me, is more beautiful than the thought of completing each other."

While he definitely appreciated my response, he'd continue to use that phrase for the 4 years that our relationship lasted.

Now, as the rain continues to pour, I remind myself that I loved storms before I knew he loved them and I will continue to love storms even after they no longer remind me of a love that ended as quickly as it began. I remind myself of all the times growing up that my sister and I would lock hands and dance in the rain. To this day, when we are together and a rain storm begins, we grab hands and head outside. Right now, I can hear our collected laughter. I can feel her thin, small hand in mine, I can smell the wet ground, and I can feel the rain drops dancing along with us.

Sometimes, old lessons come to haunt us - not out of ill will, but to remind us of what we may have temporarily forgotten. Love is already here. Love from others may come and go but it can never take away the love that always was and always will be - the love that is within.